May is Mental Health Awareness month. In our family though, mental health awareness is a constant. And while in the past, the path to understanding depression and anxieties was taken with our own happiness in mind, today our focus is to be healthy not just for the quality of our own lives, but for our son.
Before our boy was born, my husband and I had a conversation about the kind of life we wanted to create for our growing family. We were adamant that we didn't want any emotional baggage from our past, our family histories, to be passed down to him. We were adamant that we deal with our "stuff" so that we could be aware and present should old habits, thought patterns creep up. The fact that we were already on that path of self-awareness before we got together was a bonus. Oliver James, the author of How Not To F*** Them Up, says at the basis of an emotionally healthy child is the emotional health of its parents. Basically, if you're happy, they're happy. He adds in an interview with The Independent, "The real challenge of parenthood, is you, not your child." How right he is.
When I became a mother, it was the most terrifying time of my life. I remember thinking as a former anchor who had handled multiple breaking news stories on the fly without any scripts, and sometimes without any direction or information, live on the air to millions of viewers expecting a coherent understanding what is happening, that that was a breeze compared to motherhood.
It wasn't about learning the logistics of taking care of a baby, a child. Anyone can learn to change a diaper or make up a bottle of formula to feed him/her. It was about learning, from Day One of knowing I was pregnant, whether my baby in my womb was developing as he should, whether (when it was time) he was kicking as he should. When he was born, the first thing I listened out for was his cry because then I knew he was breathing and that he entered the world safely. Then, as he started to grow, I had to learn to decipher what a specific cry meant, whether my baby was growing at the right rate in the right way, it was examining what was in the diapers to understand the inner workings of his digestive tract and if I needed to be concerned (the latter is a constant--whether there's a reason or no reason). It was always making sure he was being fed, nurtured, stimulated enough to get those neurons in his brain fired up at the right time in the the right way. Not too much but not too little either. All the while being cognisant of his mental and emotional health. Motherhood, parenthood isn't instinctive for everyone. For some, like me, it's learning as I go along, and going by feel.
My husband and I don't always get it right. We are figuring it out along the way and yes, old habits and thought patterns do creep up. And kids are hard work. They know how to push your buttons. That's what's so great about them too. They hold a mirror up to us every single day. They make us look at ourselves and how we are behaving. While my husband and I aren't enlightened people per se, we are people who are self-aware, or at least we are doing our best to be that way. I know I'm not zen 100% of the time no matter how much yoga I do or how much I read about the subject. Hell, I'd be lucky if I was zen 20% of the time (after all, I'm dealing with my own journey through life's changes too. Plus, I'm an animated Indian woman who doesn't believe in being passive aggressive). But I'm trying and isn't that the point of life? To keep trying, to keep going, to keep learning? And by being open about it all we are more adept at recognising our mistakes and changing course. And when we make mistakes, we apologise. That was unheard of when I was growing up. Back then, parents were never expected to apologise no matter how wrong they were. But we do apologise. It is important for our son to see us as fallible beings who take responsibility for their actions. It is important for our son to see that one doesn't have to be perfect, to get it right all the time, but to learn from mistakes and to keep trying, to keep going. In apologising to him, we are treating him with the respect he deserves, the respect all kids deserve. When kids are treated with respect, they feel seen and that is a powerful boost to their self-confidence and sense of self-acceptance.