A Complicated Woman

I don’t have it all figured out.

I’m a woman in her 50s who is trying to get through each day with a little more movement towards my goals than the day before. Each day with all its joys, pains, wins, and failures is like the pearls strung next to each other in the hopes that soon enough I can wear them proudly like a necklace, a glittering symbol of endurance, resilience, increased capacity, and testament to my ability to not only never give up on me but to consistently bet on me. Sometimes I end the day where there is no movement, where that big breakthrough just didn’t happen. But up I get again each day where trust is my guiding light, determination is my compass, and perspective that allows me to appreciate the ups and downs.

I’ve had a successful career. I made my parents proud. But it left me feeling frustrated. Because what no one told me is that on the road leading to one’s supposed dreams, there will be people who will help and people who won’t. The latter will outnumber the former and in the latter would also be me. In the midst of it all I would realise I would have to answer that one question: whose dream am I living anyway? And then the great unravelling would begin. But as difficult as that was, there was a freedom in falling apart and moving the boulders that once held me up so I could get to the heart of me.

There is a freedom in letting go of trying to know it all, of trying to figure it all out, of trying to hold up a structure, a facade that didn’t feel right anyway but no one ever talks about that, right? We all want to see The Great Transformation. We all want to see The After photos. Whole industries bank on our unravelling. From beauty and fashion to social media and even medicine, it’s all about tapping into who we fear we are so that we can find a miracle cure for our malaise, when actually the malaise is the messaging from which we need the cure.

Who we fear we are is someone who isn’t good enough, someone who isn’t worthy enough of love. But what does 'enough' even mean? Who set the standard for Enough? Would we even recognise it when 'Enough' stared us in the face? We’re the blind leading the blind and we run around in circles trying to find the answers when we never ever stop to consider that maybe we’re the ones who have the answers. Or maybe we’re not asking the right questions. Stopping to ask ourselves those questions is the part of the hero’s journey where we fight ourselves to avoid having to walk into the Great Unknown in order to find our truth. We fear the unknown yet we have the answers. We fear the dark yet we hold the torch.

You want a better life? Ask better questions. That’s what Tony Robbins says. But we don’t ask questions because we don’t want to hear the answers because the answers don’t come in pretty little packages and easy to unpack boxes. They don’t come in 3, 5, 7, easy steps to "live your dream life." The answers are inconvenient truths we will have spent a lifetime trying to avoid.

The privilege of a lifetime is to become who you truly are. Carl Jung said that. How do we find who we truly are when we have been told who we are meant to be? Every generation has had their role models and rebels and they switch sides depending on who you ask. So how are we supposed to know who to listen to? How do we know to trust our own voice and that it will lead us towards that life we want, not the one we are told we should have? How do we know it will lead us to earning that money to pay those bills, to finding that partner who will love us and accept us--even the parts of us we criticise on a daily basis, to just feeling good when we look at ourselves in the mirror?

The short answer: we won’t find it outside of us. As Morpheus said to Neo in The Matrix, "there's a difference between knowing the path and walking the path." If we’re brave and humble enough to enter and navigate the terrifying terrain of vulnerability, only then will we get to the simple truth that is ours alone. It’s the truth that will define what kind of love we actually deserve, the kind of success that feels more fulfilling than the need to sacrifice ourselves in order to appease, the ease with which we can actually live rather than the struggle we were told was part of our existence. Because the only struggle that is worth it is the one that leads us to that place of peace.

And therein lies the paradox of being human. We don’t have guarantees but we do have a guaranteed relationship with ourself. We treat ourselves with kindness, understanding, compassion, and curiosity, we get that growth, change, love, success, and inner peace we desire. We treat ourselves with disrespect, well, you know what that feels like. That is one truth we can trust.

It’s strange isn’t it? The one person we need to be told to value and love the most is ourselves? We live with ourselves every day, we see our own face, our body, we feel our heart beating, we hear our thoughts. Yet we criticise and debate and doubt that person in the mirror and believe everyone else and take their words and opinions as gospel. And here’s the kicker: we do this even when that little quiet voice inside us is screaming at us to listen. But we ignore it. We shush it. We poke holes in everything it says. Until it has had enough and fights back with illness, disease, crippling pain, chronic conditions. It tells us, 'you didn’t pay attention when I spoke so I had to make you listen.'

I learned there is no “I will be happy/successful/satisfied when…” That’s one of life’s greatest fallacies—the idea that happiness has an end goal. The truth is, the goalposts keep moving. When we reach the top of the ladder, which we were told would be wise for us to climb, we often realise either it was leaning against the wrong wall or we have to keep figuring out how to stay there.

And the opportunity cost of that mindset? It’s huge. Every moment spent chasing a version of success and happiness someone else defined is a moment spent not building a life that actually feeds you. The energy, the time, the joy, it all gets poured into a life that was never really yours to begin with. Because there is always a cost. What are you paying for that is costing you your own peace?

On top of that, that ladder isn't a place of certainty. Far from it. It gets crowded with people trying to push us off—or hoping we will fall. And if we decide to step off, we enter a mental space Dr. Seuss perfectly described as The Slump in Oh The Places You'll Go:

And when you're in a Slump,

you're not in for much fun.

Un-slumping yourself is not easily done.

You'll come to a place where the streets are not marked.

Some windows are lighted.

But mostly they are dark.

A place you could sprain both your elbow and your chin.

Do you dare to stay out?

Do you dare to go in?

How much can you lose?

How much can you win?

The truth? There are no goalposts. The only indicators of a good life are the ones we feel inside.

Kids know it but us adults? Somewhere along the way we were told, taught, that there were rules to a successful life, that appearances were important, and what we felt didn’t matter. It wasn’t done out of malice or disregard. It was a response to a generational cycle filled with stories and struggles that would follow and define our elders and that would continue to follow and define us.

Today though, we have no excuse. We live in an ever-connected world where information is in abundance, not all of it good, but if you search for answers you seek you will find the signposts to get to a place that feels right for you.

But you have to search.

You have to stop blaming or excusing and take responsibility for how you are responding to life.

Artists are signposts in a way. They write, draw, paint, create, sing, act the complexities of human life. They elicit in us the emotions we so desperately need and want to feel. We recognise through them, a moment, a picture, a lyric, or a line, that encapsulates all that we wonder and worry about, all that we assume is ours to struggle through alone and we feel seen. Through them we can find a way through our own complicated emotions because they ask nothing of us except to be a point of contact and connection for what they share. And it lands so deeply that it can unlock a door that appears before us, gently welcoming us into ourselves.

Rick Rubin writes in The Creative Act, "we are all living as artists. We perceive, filter, and collect data, then curate an experience for ourselves and others based on this information set. Whether we do this consciously or unconsciously, by the mere fact of being alive, we are active participants in the ongoing process of creation. Attuned choice by attuned choice, your entire life is a form of self-expression. You exist as a creative being in a creative universe. A singular work of art." The question we must ask ourselves is what are we creating and expressing through us? What do we want to create and express? And are we recreating a life designed by others and living it for them too?

I don’t believe in 3/ 5/ 8, step solutions to living your best life. I don’t believe that’s how we work. Don't get me wrong, they can help guide us when we are lost but what inevitably comes up is a roadblock that will take time, work, and intention to get through.

Our life isn’t a recipe to be followed where we have 2 cups of friendship, 1 cup of love, and 5 tablespoons of career, a sprinkle of a house and car and 2 kids, mixed together and popped into an oven called life and wait for the sweetness to rise in the form of a beautifully formed existence. We can adjust the quantities and measurements but there are days when what we need more than anything is to not mix, not whip, not fold, not bake. There comes a time when we need to drop the recipe book and start by just looking at what we have in the fridge and in the pantry. We need to just stop and look inside ourselves and not fear or hate what we see.

We look for the easy way out, the pill, the secret, the key to unlocking that dream body, dream relationship, dream life. We believe there is only right and wrong and nothing in between. We feel there has to be a villain so that we can always get to play victim. We don’t want to entertain context, the space between black and white, good and bad.

I get it.

Life as we’re living it is hard enough. We have bills to pay, kids to raise, lifestyles to keep up, expectations to meet. It’s a lot. I mean, it took a lot to just get here and now we have to deal with the inconvenient dissatisfaction of the results too? But let me let you in on a little secret: stopping to reconsider, recalibrate, and redefine what we truly want isn’t as earth shatteringly difficult as we think. Sometimes, that’s the easiest way forward compared to pushing that boulder up the hill that is our life.

I believe in nuance. I believe in layers. I believe in complexity. I believe that life is complicated but it is also quite simple. I believe that each one of us is unique and different but we are also the same in some of the most fundamental ways. We all want to love and feel loved, respected, heard, seen, and connected to something within us and to something bigger than us. Everything else is secondary.

I believe in possibilities, in the possibilities of the unknown. I believe in what is around the corner. My mother taught me that. She taught me to expect the miracles that tomorrow can bring. She is someone who has been through it all and still loves to laugh and giggle. She is a lifelong learner, seeker of information to expand her knowledge. From cooking to computers my mother has never known the word 'impossible' even when so many around her doubted her and even outwardly mocked her. She built businesses and our home and raised us to be strong. It’s because of her I don't fear doubt and uncertainty because they can lead us to places beyond where certainty only knows to go. All we have to do, as she always reminds me, is to try.

I believe in the privilege of bearing witness to someone’s life and being trusted with their hand to hold as we walk through the forest together until they come to their own version of a clearing. And I believe in the magic of asking the right questions. I would see that unfold firsthand as a journalist. The sacred space between my guest and I would be where something incredible happened, an alchemy of ideas, thoughts, stories, perspectives, and emotions. Afterwards, the energy in the room would always shift. Each guest would leave feeling lighter and more appreciative of the time to reflect on their own journey.

In my own life, the most transformative moments came when I finally asked myself the tough questions — usually at the most inconvenient times, in the quiet of deep introspection. Questions like: Why am I not happy? How do I create a life that feels right to me? What does that even look like? What am I meant to be doing with my life? Will I ever find a love that fully accepts me? How do I fully accept myself? And… who am I to even ask these questions?

I know it is a privilege to even ponder these. My parents, and so many like them, didn’t have that luxury. Nor do the millions around the world simply trying to survive. But I also realised that ignoring my own discontent and disconnect wasn’t an honourable tribute to them. Wearing it as a badge of respect for those who couldn’t ask these questions did nothing to change my life or honour theirs. Staying the same wasn't possible. It never is.

You see, once the questions are asked, they can’t be unasked. Like a genie out of a bottle, they swirl through your mind and soul, seeking the feeling that matches them, like a heat-seeking missile. And once they connect, you can’t look away. The discomfort of pretending everything was fine — keeping the status quo — became more painful than the effort of facing the truth and doing something about it.

Once the questions are asked, you can’t press rewind and unhear them. Doing something about them is a form of answering.

Doing something about them is getting to the truth that lies within.

I’ve learned that truth is always more powerful than posturing. When we pretend to have it all figured out, we don’t just fool others we start to fool ourselves. That’s when imposter syndrome creeps in, when authenticity slips away, and when we become trapped in the exhausting performance of keeping up appearances. Through my own work, I’ve come to understand that imposter syndrome isn’t mine to carry and I help my clients put down that heavy baggage too. Because that weight is never just about them it’s filled with inherited beliefs, outdated patterns, and old stories about who they’re “supposed” to be. The moment they set it down, something shifts. When they work with me they realise:

1. They’re not alone in what they’re feeling and with what they struggle. They feel seen and heard.

2. They feel a quiet relief in realising they don’t have to perform anymore. They can show up as themselves without apology, and that feels lighter than anything they expected.

3. They reclaim their energy and attention no longer consumed by what holds them back, but invested in creating a life aligned with what actually matters to them.

4. They begin to trust themselves, their instincts, their decisions, their ability to handle what comes instead of outsourcing that trust to others.

5. They feel a sense of grounded confidence, knowing that uncertainty is not something to fear but something they now have the tools to navigate.

6. They discover that growth doesn’t mean becoming someone else. It means uncovering more of who they already are and giving themselves permission to live from that place.

   
   

I’m not some shiny 'after' version in a personal growth makeover show. But I am someone who gets it, who has felt the self-doubt and insecurity (which is different from imposter syndrome by the way), who can see the pros of that doubt, and who knows how to rebuild and redefine what is true for me and what could be true for you. I am someone who knows what it means feel stuck, who has learned to recognise how we get in our own way, and what we can do about it. That’s what I bring to the table.

I bring the torch so we can shine the light in that dark tunnel that is our own minds and hearts and soul to find and trust that essence within, the deeper knowing that has always been there but has been shoved under layers and layers of history, society, culture, religion, migration, identity, and all the 'isms'.

I am not a therapist. I do not diagnose trauma or do the incredible work they do to heal people from their past but I am someone who can help to build the map needed to find the way through the maze that is life today and, as Martha Beck writes on being a life coach, “how to cope with the world”.

That journey often begins with admitting that we don’t have all the answers. Saying 'I don’t know' is incredibly freeing. If you say it with enough self-awareness to know that you’re not giving up and instead you’re opening yourself up for the magic of solutions you may not have thought of yet, 'I don't know' can elicit excitement not dread.

What I do know though is my layers and complexities make me who I am. What would have once been my kryptonite is now my superpower. I’m good with it all because I know what my North Star is: it’s my husband and son; being with ; living and working in a way that feels expansive and autonomous. Everything revolves around that feeling. Working from home has been a game changer for me as it has opened the door to being in alignment with my driving force of being a present mom and wife. This gives me predictability, stability, and routine I craved for much of my life. It may sound boring to you but to me it’s bliss. I lived that life of unpredictability. I excelled at that career where it was all about flying by the seat of our pants. And it was exciting for a while but at the same time I could feel myself being pulled further away. I couldn't understand that feeling back then. It literally felt like being pulled further away from what I wanted. Through it all, there was a longing within—even amidst the travel, the celebrity interviews, the breaking news, the PR photoshoots, the being on tv thing—came down to wanting a family and being there day in and day out.

I know how it sounds. Trust me, I’ve beaten myself with that “ungrateful” stick enough. But what I’ve come to understand is that gratitude and longing can exist at the same time. You can be thankful for the opportunities you’ve had and still feel an ache for what was missing. That ache was trying to tell me something-- that it was time to define what ambition, success, and happiness meant for me, not by everyone else’s standards. And once I let myself listen, it led me home to the life, the people, and the way of being that truly feels like mine.

See, life is complex but also pretty damn simple.

It takes courage to live this way. Courage to walk away from a known path to success and venture into the unknown and untested. Courage to trust. To have faith. To believe. To have a belief in ourselves and what we want to achieve and how we want to live that some may describe as delusional. To be kind and patient enough with ourselves so that we can listen to that inner voice of ours. Because we don't get paid to listen to that voice right? There aren't job listings that shout out "individuality required". Not everyone will stand up and cheer when you decide to live life for you. I have lost touch with friends but I have also deepened relationships with others. Most importantly, there is peace within. I am not at war with myself. And I trust myself enough to listen to the voice that is kind and supportive of me and telling me 'all will be well'. I lean into the calm even amidst the chaos of not knowing outcomes, navigating uncertainties of which there are many. I lean into whatever it was that led me here to this place in life in the first place; this place that once felt like a distant, even impossible, dream.

I know I have said I don’t do "steps" but here are some fundamentals that, in my experience, are non-negotiable to getting on that path towards living a life that is purposeful, intentional, that gets us that clarity, and builds the capacity we need to swim in unchartered waters with courage and confidence. It's not about following these to the letter. It's about waking ourselves up to live a more conscious life where we become less reactive and more proactive:

1. Get to know yourself. Really know yourself. Start by being a non-judgemental observer of your reactions, triggers, motivations, and even your thoughts.

   • When you react strongly to something, what story are you telling yourself in that moment?

   • If you didn’t judge that reaction, what would you see beneath it?

     
     

2. Recognise your body’s reactions on a somatic level. Where do you feel the anxiety, stress, disappointment, fear? Only when we begin to rewire our nervous system’s reactions can we truly make choices that are proactive rather than reactive. Listen to the discomfort. Feel it. It will go against every fibre of your being to do so, your nervous system will not be happy but your nervous system is trained to seek familiarity. Being kind to yourself, breathing through that discomfort is unfamiliar. And that's ok.

   • Where does this feeling live in your body right now?

   • If that sensation could speak, what would it say?

   
   

3. Get a clear picture of where you are today, emotionally, physically, financially. The latter might feel uncomfortable because money is trigger for so many of us. It has a voice of its own and tells a story of who we fear we are. And that's a whole other discussion. But for now, take a deep breath and just look at the numbers and not judge. Identify where it all goes.

   • What emotions come up when you look at your finances (or your health, your energy)?

   • If you removed shame or judgement, what would you notice differently about where you are now?

   
   

4. Get a clear picture of your relationships.

   • Who are you surrounding yourself with?

   • Are they expanding your perception of what is possible in life?

   • Are they holding space for you? Are they challenging you in a good way?

   • Which relationships leave you feeling more alive, more yourself?

   • Where are you shrinking yourself to maintain connection?

   
   

5. Do a values audit. Look at your life and see where the pain and stress points are.

   • Is how you are living and responding to life aligned with what you know is important to you? Do some free thinking brainstorming about when you have felt your most free self and when you have felt your most loved self.

   • What values are you honouring in those moments?

   
   

6. Notice that voice inside that questions you when you move towards the things you enjoy. What limiting beliefs is this voice reinforcing?

   • If you traced that voice back, who or what does it belong to?

   • What would you choose to believe instead if you could quiet that voice?

   
   
   
   

Start with these. We all have a story, a blueprint that shapes who we are. But that blueprint isn’t set in stone. We get to redraw it, as long as we’re willing to look at what no longer fits and decide what needs to change. "This is how it’s always been done" doesn’t cut it anymore. I used to believe that relationships were meant to be complicated, that success only came through struggle, stress, and sacrifice. My body knew how to survive in that space. But now I recoil at those beliefs—not out of fear—but from the deep questioning, wondering, and knowing that it doesn’t have to be that way. Life still pushes me because our systems have only ever known one model of living and succeeding. Our job is to be brave enough to question it and bold enough to build something different.

Confidence is earned after living intentionally.

Calm comes when you know and value who you are.

Credibility is knowing how to act and react in any given situation because you’ve done the work within and you don’t have to prove anything to anyone.

Lately, I’ve been listening a lot to the artist Rebecca Lucy Taylor who goes by the name Self Esteem. Ironically it was my husband who introduced her music to me. Her lyrics are honest and cut right through what it means to be a woman, a human, not just the shiny, happy version we show on the outside. In an interview with the Guardian earlier this year she talked about success and ambition, expectations, and the work of being ourselves saying, “…it’s never fucking over. It’s not as simple as, boss bitch, here we go. It just isn’t. You might exercise for six months every day, and then you might just fucking not for a bit. I still go, oh, there’s this person I should be, and I’m not, and hate myself for that.”

What I keep coming back to in my moments of struggle is that life is not about fixing ourselves. It’s about accepting and learning how to live in and thrive through complexity with honesty, sincerity, empathy, and gratitude. To trust the process, as long as that process is grounded in self-awareness, intention, and increasing our capacity to navigate life’s curveballs.

I don’t have it all figured out-- but maybe that’s the point. We’re not here to master anything other than the courage to be ourselves and to keep our focus on what truly brings us alive not what history or the digital world would dictate. This isn't about being selfish and focusing on only your needs when the world is on fire. Nor is it about ignoring the real happiness that comes from helping others. We are capable of experiencing multiple things at the same time after all. This is about recognising that when you’re there, in that sweet place of living fully as the healthiest version of you, you don’t just shine, your light shines on others too.

And to be kind. Always to be kind because we know how hard it is to live in our own shoes; it’s the same for everyone else.

I will leave you with lyrics from Self Esteem's song If Not Now, It’s Soon from her latest album, A Complicated Woman:

Everything you are, everything you see

Everyone got used to who you pretend to be

What if you're not scared, what if you're just here?

Another page is turned now, won't you stand on to see clearly now?

Only not too far, it all comes around

You wonder who it was who made the choices in that town

'Cause that was just still you, you're the sum of all these parts

And we can work together to become who's in your heart, I know

If not now, it's soon

And whatever is right for you

Will guide you through

Take it back to the beginning

If we still get on that feeling

Take it back to the beginning

If we still get on that feeling

Something will happen because it’s got to

It’s not just perseverance we need, it’s patience

And with all of life's complexities

How can one way become what we deem and believe

To be right to be true

Hold on

'Cause if not now, it's soon

And whatever is right for you

Will guide you through

Take it back to the beginning

If we still get on that feeling

When you just wanted to sing

You didn't know what that would bring

'Cause if not now, it's soon

Whatever is right for you

Will guide you through

Monita xo