On Being Realistic

Dear Friends,

This morning, like most mornings, I sat at my desk with my cup of tea, looking out at the fields. We’re easing into my favourite time of year—Fall. There’s that perfect September mix of golden light and damp air, and a chill that makes me eagerly reach for my sweaters.

I thought this morning, as I often do when I’m out walking my dog in those fields, that this is my life. These fields, the village, the blackberry brambles that line my route, the friendly neighbours whose names we know and who know ours—this is what I chose. Then, almost immediately, I think back to when moving to the countryside and all it would mean for me personally and professionally felt like the biggest risk ever. Unrealistic even.

If I had listened to all the warnings about what was “sensible” or “realistic,” I’d still be living the life that looked good on paper, not the one that feels good in my bones. Not following the rules of what I was “supposed” to do opened up a world of possibilities for me.

Perspective is a wonderful thing, and I have 50 years of life experiences to look back on. From personal challenges and beautiful surprises to professional milestones and lessons learned, I can see the evidence of what my form of reality looks like. The common thread in all of those moments was three things:

• taking chances

• blocking out the noise (even when it came in the form of advice)

• self trust

  
  

I fundamentally believe we are born with an innate sense of clarity in who we are and what we want. But, a) we don’t dare to go after it, and b) life has a way of steering us away from ourselves and towards an established path. It has a way of making us doubt ourselves even when we know we are capable of doing things. And I struggle with that. I’ve always struggled with following rules and expectations that aren’t about supporting our growth and living to our fullest potential. I am someone who will question the status quo. Funny how I chose careers that have been about questioning everything. (My poor husband—at least he can’t say life is boring with me!).

Debbie Millman, a graphic designer, writer, and educator, talks about how often, when we start to imagine the “immensities” or possibilities in our lives, what we’re immediately hit with are three things:

• process—how are we going to do this?

• realism—it’s not realistic for me

• probability—it’s not likely to happen

  
  

When we entertain these thoughts, when we dwell in them, we have already decided against the possibilities of life working in our favour. We haven’t even given ourselves the chance to try. We’re afraid of failing and what that could mean about how we are seen by others and even how we see ourselves. Yet it is in that space of possibilities that our lives grow and expand.

To be hopeful, to bet on ourselves, doesn’t come naturally. It’s a muscle that needs to keep being worked on and strengthened. It will always feel unreal and even silly at first. But the more we veer towards what could be rather than what never will be, the more we open ourselves up to a different version of life. Being hopeful is scary. Because when we’re hopeful, there is the possibility of disappointment. And that feels too heavy to carry. But what if we looked at the disappointment not as a death sentence but as a realignment?

"You gotta be a little crazy in this world sometimes to get what you want.”

Isn’t that strange, though? We rarely question the limitations, but we almost always question the hope.

There’s a line in the new Spike Lee film Highest 2 Lowest where the character Paul Christopher (played by Jeffrey Wright) tells David King (played by Denzel Washington), “I think you gotta be a little crazy in this world sometimes to get what you want.”

Crazy yes! Sometimes a little crazy is necessary! Always has been. (Obviously, within reason and without putting yourself or others in harm’s way). Being a little crazy is what led me to live a life of adventure, of incredible career highs where I would have many moments of ‘…and I get paid to do this?’ There was also heartbreak, loneliness, but definitely love, hope, and magic. It’s what I would call a Big Life.

Is my life butterflies and rainbows? Far from it. Is it stress-free? Hell no.

Are there certain realities of life we can’t ignore? Paying bills, our health, etc, these are very real realities that all the good wishes can’t solve. BUT how we approach solving these issues is determined by which half of the glass we choose to see. Choosing to see life as opportunities waiting to happen opens us up to solutions that could come from places we least expect—our intuition, a bold idea, a conversation, or simply the willingness to try something that feels a little “unrealistic.”

There will be trade-offs in everything we choose. That’s just the nature of the game. We will be uncomfortable, we will be challenged, we will step into the folds of fear. But, and here’s the big question, how important is this life to you, and are you treating it and yourself with the respect you both deserve?

Look, I’m not the smartest person in the room, and I have made mistakes. Many of them. I just keep choosing every day to believe in the possibilities of success rather than giving in to the fear of failure. I want to “dwell in possibilities” as Mel Robbins describes it, rather than in despair. I just have to look out my window to remind myself of what believing in my version of reality looks like.

Life doesn't always meet us where we want it to go; things don't always work out, but neither does following everyone else’s path.

Being realistic follows a roadmap that has already been drawn by someone else, with their perspectives and their limitations.

But I believe reality is ours to define because we have to live it. Isn’t it worth trying to believe in yours?

So here’s my question for you to mull over: where are you being too realistic when what you need is a little more ‘crazy’?

Big hugs, Monita 💛