Managing Expectations

The Key To Better Relationships And Less Stress

I just returned from a family holiday in Greece. Amidst the sun, the sea, and the incredible seasonal dishes we consumed, there was something else simmering beneath the surface.

This was a vacation with my family and extended family who I love dearly. We had holidayed together before and it was a way for us to stay close as we live far apart geographically. But, as expected (pardon the pun), whenever there are multiple personalities and needs at play, it was no surprise that there would come a moment where disappointed, frustration, and irritation would arise. It's almost par for the course when closely linked relations spend a concentrated amount of time with each other. Whether it was the chosen activity for the day, where to eat for dinner, or what was going on behind the scenes emotionally for any of us, what it all came down to was one thing: expectations.

In any situation in life, the expectations we have—whether we are aware of them or admit to them or not—will dictate how we feel about the outcome of any event. Sometimes we don’t even realise we have them, and we consider ourselves easygoing, until something happens that upsets us leaving the other person wondering why.

We’re told to “communicate” or “spell it out,” but that’s not always easy. Especially if we’re still figuring out what we actually want or need ourselves. Still, if we don’t acknowledge and manage those expectations, disappointment can fester. Unspoken resentment builds. And even small things can accumulate until someone finally snaps.

So how do we broach the subject of expectations, especially when we’re dealing with people we care about or spend a lot of time with, without it becoming a disaster?

Here are five ways to navigate it:

1. Say it before it simmers.If you know you’re heading into a situation that could bring friction—a family trip, a team project, a visit from in-laws—say the thing out loud before it becomes a problem. Not in a “here are my demands” way, but more like:

“Hey, I’d love one quiet morning to myself while we’re away. Just flagging that now so I don’t get cranky later.”Simple. Light. Honest.

2. Get clear on what you actually want. Half the problem with expectations is that we sometimes expect people to guess what we need when we’re not even sure ourselves. Before you say anything, ask yourself:

What would make this feel good or manageable for me? And then: Have I communicated that?Managing expectations starts with understanding your own.

3. Assume they have expectations too even if they’re not saying them. You’re not the only one hoping something goes a certain way. The other person (or people) probably have their own quiet expectations too. Asking a simple question like:

“What are you hoping this weekend looks like for you?” can open up space for everyone to be a bit more honest, which leads to fewer unpleasant surprises later.

4. Be open to negotiation. Managing expectations doesn’t mean demanding your way. It means acknowledging the gaps and working through them. Sometimes that sounds like:

“I know you were hoping for X, and I was thinking Y; how can we meet in the middle?” It’s not about who’s right, it’s about what’s realistic in that moment.

5. Let go of the fantasy version. This is often the hardest one. We all have some version in our head of how things should go—a perfect dinner, a harmonious family gathering, a smooth conversation. Reality often refuses to cooperate. Being willing to adapt and adjust your expectations as things unfold isn’t about lowering your standards, it’s about reducing unnecessary suffering and choosing peace. Disappointment often lives in the gap between fantasy and reality.

Expectations aren’t the enemy. But the unspoken ones? The unrealistic ones? The ones we project onto others without checking in? Those are where the damage happens. Managing expectations is really about staying human with each other. A little honesty, a little flexibility, and a willingness to talk about the stuff we usually leave unsaid.

For my family it came down to one member feeling unappreciated for the effort they had made in planning an outing while the others were not as keen. That family member not only felt rejected they also felt they had disappointed the others. Meanwhile the rest of the family was unaware of the impact they were having on the situation nor had they voiced their expectations of what they actually wanted out of the holiday. I had a conversation with everyone to share what was going on because I am not passive aggressive (perhaps to a fault) and I didn’t want the holiday to be darkened by a cloud of unmet expectations. So, that afternoon I gathered the family together and gently asked them each three simple questions:

• what are your expectations for this holiday?

• what do you want to get out of it?

• what kinds of things specifically would you like to do?

  
  

You see, it’s all well and good everyone saying, “whatever works” or “I’m fine with anything” but when the time comes to actually make decisions on how we want to spend that day it, 'easygoing' is like democracy--it doesn't always work because everyone has an opinion and that opinion can come across as being critical, judgmental, or even disappointment. By identifying everyone’s needs and being clear on making sure we found middle ground we were all able to relax. It was as if we had let all the hot air out of a potentially large bubble that was threatening to burst. (It didn’t help that where we were was actually VERY hot temperature-wise which would heighten anyone’s impatience).

Managing expectations isn’t just about group holidays or relationships. It’s something to be aware of in all areas of our life.

At work. At home. In relationships. In parenting.  In marriage (oh yeah, that’s a hotbed of unsaid expectations). Even in how we think we should  be navigating life by now. Anywhere we hold onto an idea of how something should be, there’s an expectation quietly driving the outcome. And when that expectation isn’t met, or isn’t named, it creates friction. And friction, when left unsaid or unresolved, leads to stress and conflict.

Expectations are baked into our daily experience, whether we realise it or not. The more aware we become of them, the more intentional we can be about how we respond rather than just react. After all, growth isn’t about becoming a better version of ourselves, it’s about becoming more honest with ourselves.

If you find yourself often disappointed or wondering why certain situations feel heavier than they should, try asking yourself:“What was I hoping would happen here?”That one question can reveal a lot. And the more we know about ourselves, the more we show patience and compassion for others.

After all, it’s never really about just a family holiday, a dinner, work, a relationship. It’s about what we hoped would happen. The story we tell ourselves about how it should go. And often, that story is shaped by hopes we’ve carried for a long time.

If this feels uncomfortable, it’s because it is. Most of us were never taught how to talk about what we want or need without guilt, or how to hear what someone else wants or needs without taking it personally. But learning how to express and manage expectations—yours and theirs—isn’t about being sacrificing needs or being perfect, it’s about creating fewer opportunities for unnecessary disappointment and conflict and more room for understanding. Instead of a situation leaving us feeling closed and weighed down, it leaves us feeling open and light . And frankly, that’s something from which we can all benefit.